Theme Hospital/Diseases

Pharmacy
The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.

Broken Wind

 * Cause: Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal
 * Symptoms: Upsetting the people directly behind the patient
 * Cure: A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy

Chronic Nosehair

 * Cause: Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient
 * Symptoms: Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in
 * Cure: A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy

Corrugated Ankles

 * Cause: Driving over traffic calming measures in road
 * Symptoms: Footwear does not fit snugly
 * Cure: A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles

Discrete Itching

 * Cause: Tiny insects with sharp teeth
 * Symptoms: Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation
 * Cure: Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching

Gastric Ejections

 * Cause: Spicy Mexican or Indian food
 * Symptoms: Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters
 * Cure: Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected

Gut Rot

 * Cause: Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture
 * Symptoms: No cough but no stomach-wall lining either
 * Cure: A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum

Heaped Piles

 * Cause: Standing around by water coolers
 * Symptoms: Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles
 * Cure: A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside

Invisibility

 * Cause: Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant
 * Symptoms: Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families
 * Cure: A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability

Sleeping Illness

 * Cause: Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth
 * Symptoms: Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere
 * Cure: A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse

The Squits

 * Cause: Eating pizza found under the cooker
 * Symptoms: Ugh. Surely you can guess
 * Cure: A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards

Transparency

 * Cause: Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots
 * Symptoms: Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible
 * Cure: A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease

Uncommon Cold

 * Cause: Small particles of snot in the air
 * Symptoms: Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs
 * Cure: A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this

Psychiatric
The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.

3rd Degree Sideburns

 * Cause: Wistful longing for the 1970S
 * Symptoms: Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up
 * Cure: The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish

Fake Blood

 * Cause: Patient usually subject of practical joke
 * Symptoms: Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing
 * Cure: Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem

Infectious Laughter

 * Cause: Classic situation comedy
 * Symptoms: Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases
 * Cure: A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is

King Complex

 * Cause: The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over
 * Symptoms: Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers
 * Cure: A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks

Sweaty Palms

 * Cause: Fear of job interviews
 * Symptoms: Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge
 * Cure: A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease

TV Personalities

 * Cause: Daytime television
 * Symptoms: Delusions of being able to present a cookery show
 * Cure: A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio

Clinics
Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.

Alien DNA

 * Cause: Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood
 * Symptoms: Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities
 * Cure: The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly

Baldness

 * Cause: Telling lies and making up stories to be popular
 * Symptoms: Shiny-headedness and embarrassment
 * Cure: Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine

Bloaty Head

 * Cause: Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater
 * Symptoms: Very uncomfortable for the sufferer
 * Cure: The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine

Fractured Bones

 * Cause: Falling off high things onto concrete
 * Symptoms: Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs
 * Cure: The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine

Hairyitis

 * Cause: Prolonged exposure to the moon
 * Symptoms: Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell
 * Cure: An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores

Jellyitis

 * Cause: Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise
 * Symptoms: Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot
 * Cure: The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit

Serious Radiation

 * Cause: Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum
 * Symptoms: Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell
 * Cure: The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly

Slack Tongue

 * Cause: Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas
 * Symptoms: Tongue swells to five times its original length
 * Cure: The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully

Surgical
The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications.

Broken Heart

 * Cause: Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient
 * Symptoms: Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos
 * Cure: Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath

Golf Stones

 * Cause: Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls
 * Symptoms: Delirium and advanced shame
 * '''Cure -These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons

Iron Lungs

 * Cause: Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains
 * Symptoms: Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater
 * Cure: Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre

Kidney Beans

 * Cause: Crunching up ice cubes in drinks
 * Symptoms: Pain and frequent trips to the toilet
 * Cure: Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney

Ruptured Nodules

 * Cause: Bungee jumping in cold weather
 * Symptoms: Inability to sit down in comfort
 * Cure: Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands

Spare Ribs

 * Cause: Sitting on cold stone floors
 * Symptoms: Unpleasant feeling of chestiness
 * Cure: These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag

Unexpected Swelling

 * Cause: Anything unexpected
 * Symptom: Swelling
 * Cure: The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons