The Secret of Monkey Island/Sword-Fighting Insults

These are the correct responses to the insults you learn during the sword fights. The more fights you have, the more insults and responses you learn during the game - then it's just a matter of picking the correct response to each insult.

In the Secret of Monkey Island Special Edition, the Swordmaster will not use "I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today." It is in the Ultimate Talkie Edition only when in "keep original text" mode.

Sword Master insults

 * I've got a long, sharp lesson for you you to learn today.
 * And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?


 * My tongue is sharper then any sword.
 * First you’d better stop waving it like a feather-duster.


 * My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!
 * So you got that job as janitor, after all.
 * Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.


 * My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!
 * Even BEFORE they smell your breath?


 * Only once have I met such a coward!
 * He must have taught you everything you know.
 * I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.


 * If your brother's like you, better to marry a pig.
 * You make me think somebody already did.


 * No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.
 * You run THAT fast?


 * I will milk every drop of blood from your body!
 * How appropriate. You fight like a cow.


 * My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.
 * I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
 * Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?


 * I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.
 * Why, did you want to borrow one?


 * My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!
 * Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.


 * I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!
 * I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.


 * Every word you say to me is stupid.
 * I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.


 * You are a pain in the backside, sir!
 * Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?


 * There are no clever moves that can help you now.
 * Yes, there are. You just never learned them.


 * Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.
 * I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.


 * I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.
 * Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
 * I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.