How to Be a Complete Bastard/Walkthrough

You'll first have to connect your Sinclair ZX Spectrum, Amstrad CPC or Commodore 64 and cassette recorder to your television set, then switch all three of them on; you then have to put the cassette of Virgin Interactive's Sentient Software-developed 1987 adventure game, How to Be a Complete Bastard, into the recorder, rewind it (unless it is your first time playing it), type LOAD "" (without leaving a space between the quotation marks), and press Enter to load the program into the console. You shall now have to press Space to begin the game - and the following walkthrough is just one way to finish it.

Once Ade has appeared in the hall of "Chez Yuppie", you will have to make him walk down into its front garden, and to the left into its garage, then down towards the third cupboard once he is lined up with it and press Space; two options shall then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "CUPBOARD" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to select "SEARCH IT" the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen with three more options under it ("BATTERY CHARGER", "CAN OF OIL", and "DO NOTHING") - and once you press Space to select "BATTERY CHARGER" four more options shall appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "BATTERY CHARGER" ("SMASH IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT", and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pressed A twice to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE BATTERY CHARGER" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen; you'll then have to search the cupboard again, select the can of oil and take it. You will then have to retrace your steps back to the garden and corner the male guest who was in the garage with Ade (but left it before he did), to reveal his name ("Robert") and three options ("CONNECT HIM TO THE BATTERY CHARGER", "POUR THE OIL OVER HIS HEAD", AND "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pressed Space to connect him to the battery charger the text "PFPFP" will appear in the top half of the screen and the C in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up. To finish the game, all sixteen characters, including the hyphen after the second E, must be lit up at the same time.

You will now have to corner the female guest who was first seen in the front garden to reveal her name ("Alice") and two more options ("POUR THE OIL OVER HER HEAD", and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pushed Space to pour the oil over her head, the O in the phrase of COMPLETE-BASTARD shall light up. You will then have to retrace your steps back to the garage, then down towards the fourth cupboard once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space - and two options shall now appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "CUPBOARD" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to select "SEARCH IT" the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen with three more options under it ("PAINT", "STOCK OF BOOZE" and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pressed Space to select "PAINT", four more options shall appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "PAINT" ("DRINK IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pushed A twice to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE PAINT" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen - and you'll now have to retrace your steps back to the garden again, and corner another male guest who has walked down into it to reveal his name ("Mike") and two options ("POUR THE PAINT OVER HIS HEAD" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to pour the paint over his head the text "WHAT A MESS" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen and the M in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up; Ade must now retrace his path back to the hall where he began.

You will then have to walk to the right, up into the kitchen, to the right again, then up towards the fridge once Ade is lined up with it and press Space; two options shall now appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "FRIDGE" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" shall appear in the screen's bottom half with three more options underneath it ("MONSTER GET PISSED FAST LAGER", "ICE CUBES" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pushed A to select "ICE CUBES" and Space to confirm it, four more options will appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "ICE CUBES" ("EAT THEM", "SMASH THEM", "TAKE THEM", and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pushed A twice to select "TAKE THEM" and Space to confirm it the text of "YOU TAKE THE ICE CUBES" shall appear the bottom half of the screen; you will now have to walk to the left, then down, then to the left towards the chest of drawers once Ade is lined up with it and press Space. Two options shall now appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "CHEST OF DRAWERS" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pushed Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the screen's bottom half with three more options under it ("BLACK COFFEE", "CLING FILM" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed A to select "CLING FILM" and Space to confirm, three more options will appear in the screen's bottom half under the text "CLING FILM" ("THROW IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"); once you've pushed A to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it the text "YOU TAKE THE CLING FILM" will appear in the bottom half of the screen. You will then have to corner another female guest who has walked into the kitchen, to reveal her name ("Helen") and two options ("PUT THE CUBES DOWN HER UNDIES" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you push Space to put the ice cubes down her underpants the text of "OOH! I SHIVER AT THE THOUGHT OF IT" shall appear at the bottom of the screen, and the P in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD shall light up (it is now quarter-full).

You will then have to walk to the right towards the sink once Ade is lined up with it and press Space; two options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "SINK" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space and selected "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the screen's bottom half with three more options underneath it ("FAYREE LIQUID", "BLEACH" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you press Space to select "FAYREE LIQUID", three more options shall appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "FAYREE LIQUID" ("DRINK IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you press A to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text of "YOU TAKE THE FAYREE LIQUID" will appear in the bottom half of the screen; you'll then have to retrace your steps back to the hall again, walk to the left, and walk up towards the bottom of the stairs once Ade is lined up with them and press Space. Three options will then appear at the bottom of the screen under the text "BOTTOM OF STAIRS" ("GO UP STAIRS", "SEARCH IT", and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pressed Space to select "GO UP STAIRS", the text "YOU GO UPSTAIRS" shall appear at the bottom of the screen. You shall now have to corner a third female guest, to reveal her name ("Joanne") and two options ("SQUIRT THE LIQUID AT HER" and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pushed Space to squirt the liquid at her the text "WHAT A MESS" will appear in the screen's bottom half again and the L in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up. Ade must now walk to the right and up into the bathroom.

You shall then have to walk to the left, then up towards the cabinet once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space; three options will then appear at the bottom of the screen under the text "CABINET" ("SQUEEZE YOUR ZITS", "SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pressed Space to select "SQUEEZE YOUR ZITS", the text "YOU SQUEEZE YOUR ZITS" will appear in the bottom half of the screen (it is worth 50 extra "Bastard Points") - and you will then have to search the cabinet (finding some pills, some medicine, and some laxative), select the laxative and eat it (increasing the level of the "Fartometer" to maximum). The text "SOAK THE GUEST" will then appear in the bottom half of the screen, and you will have to press F to make Ade pass his intestinal gas (indicated by the text "PFPFP" appearing in the top-half of the screen again and the "Smellometer" level increasing to maximum) and clear the room; you shall then have to walk to the left, then up towards the toilet once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space. Three options will then appear in the screen's bottom half under the text of "TOILET" ("COVER THE TOILET WITH FILM", "SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pushed Space to select "COVER THE TOILET WITH FILM", the text "THAT'S A GOOD TRICK" will appear in the bottom half of the screen. You'll then have to walk back to the right, then up to the sink once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space; two options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "SINK" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the screen's bottom half with four more options under it ("TOOTH BRUSH", "TOOTH PASTE", "SOAP" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you push A to select "TOOTH PASTE", four more options will appear in the screen's bottom half under the text "TOOTH PASTE" ("EAT IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed A twice to select "TAKE IT" and pressed Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE TOOTH PASTE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen; you shall now have to walk down, then to the left towards the bath once Ade is lined up with it, and push Space. Two options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you've pressed Space to search it four more options will appear in the screen's bottom half under the text "YOU CAN SEE" ("RAZOR", "SHAVING CREAM", "SHAMPOO" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed A to select "SHAVING CREAM" and Space to confirm it four more options will appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "SHAVING CREAM" ("EAT IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pushed A twice to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE SHAVING CREAM" will appear in the screen's bottom half. You will then have to retrace your steps back to the landing, walk to the right into the first bedroom and corner a third male guest to reveal his name ("Howard") and three possible options ("SQUIRT THE TOOTH PASTE AT HIM", "SPRAY HIM WITH THE CREAM" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you push the Space to squirt the toothpaste at him the text "WHAT A MESS" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen once again and the first E in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up. Ade will now have to walk to the right towards the dresser once he is lined up with it and you must push Space.

Two options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "DRESSER" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pressed Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text of "YOU CAN SEE" will get displayed in the screen's bottom half with three more options under it ("MAKE UP", "PERFUME" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you push A to select "PERFUME" and Space to confirm it, four more options will appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "PERFUME" ("DRINK IT", "WEAR IT", "TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you've pushed A twice to select "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE PERFUME" will appear in the bottom half of the screen. You will then have to retrace your steps back to the landing and corner fourth female guest to reveal her name ("Sharon") and two possible options ("SPRAY HER WITH THE CREAM" and "DO NOTHING"); once you've pressed Space to spray her with the cream, the text "WHAT A MESS" will appear in the bottom half of the screen yet again, and the first E in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up again (as it will have burned out shortly after it lit up the first time). You will then have to corner a fourth male guest to reveal his name ("John") and two possible options ("SPRAY HIM WITH THE PERFUME" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pressed Space to spray him with the perfume the text of "NOW YOU'RE WEARING TWO TIES" will appear in the bottom half of the screen and the first T in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up. Ade must now walk down into the second bedroom; Chez Yuppie has three bedrooms.

You shall then have to walk to the right, down towards that first cupboard once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space; two options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "CUPBOARD" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen with two more options under it ("SNEEZING POWDER" and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pressed Space to select "SNEEZING POWDER", four more options shall appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "SNEEZING POWDER" ("EAT IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT", and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed A twice to select "TAKE IT", and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE SNEEZING POWDER" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen; you must then search the second cupboard (finding some itching powder), and take the itching powder. You will then have to retrace your steps back to the landing, walk back to the left, walk back down to the top of the stairs once Ade's lined up with them and push Space - and the text of "TOP OF STAIRS" will then appear in the bottom half of the screen with three options below it ("GO DOWN STAIRS", "SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pressed Space to select "GO DOWN STAIRS", the text "YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS" will appear in the bottom half of the screen; you'll then have to retrace your steps back to the kitchen, and corner a sixth female guest in order to reveal her name ("Jane") as well as three possible options ("STUFF THE POWDER UP HER NOSE", "PUT THE POWDER DOWN HER NECK" and "DO NOTHING). Once you have pressed Space to stuff the powder up her nose, the text "TOMATO" will appear in the bottom half of the screen and the first T in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up again (as it will again have burned out shortly after it lit up the first time) - and you will then have to corner fifth male guest, to reveal his name ("Clive") and two possible options ("PUT THE POWDER DOWN HIS NECK" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pressed Space to put the powder down his neck, the text "HOSE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen, and the second E in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD shall light up. Ade must then walk to the right, into the living room of Chez Yuppie.

You shall then have to walk up towards the piano once Ade is lined up with it and press Space; three options will then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "PIANO" ("PLAY THE PIANO", "SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pressed Space to select "PLAY THE PIANO", the text "YOU PLAY THE PIANO" will appear in the bottom half of the screen (it is worth 500 extra "Bastard Points"), and the room will get cleared - and you shall then have to walk to the right, up into the back garden, to the right towards the barbeque once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space. Two options shall then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "BAR-B-QUE" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"); once you press Space to search it, the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen with three more options under it ("BAKED POTATO", "CHARCOAL", and "DO NOTHING"). Once you have pushed Space to select "BAKED POTATO", five more options will appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text of "BAKED POTATO" ("EAT IT", "SQUASH IT", "THROW IT", "TAKE IT", and "DO NOTHING") - and once you've pressed A thrice to pick "TAKE IT" and Space to confirm it, the text "YOU TAKE THE BAKED POTATO" will appear in the bottom half of the screen. You must then corner a seventh female guest to reveal her name ("Kate") and two possible options ("SQUASH THE BAKED POTATO ON HER HEAD" and "DO NOTHING"); once you have pressed Space to squash the baked potato on her head the text "SPLAT" shall appear in the top half of the screen, the text "IT'S MR. POTATO HEAD!" shall appear in that bottom half of the screen, and the first T in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up once again (as it will once again have burned out shortly after it got lit up for its second time, which means that the second E will also have burned out after it got lit up for the first time).

You will then have to walk up, to the left into the greenhouse and down towards the fourth cupboard once Ade is lined up with it, and press Space; two options shall then appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "CUPBOARD" ("SEARCH IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you press Space to select "SEARCH IT", the text "YOU CAN SEE" will appear in the bottom half of the screen with two more options under it ("RAKE", and "DO NOTHING") - and once you have pressed Space to select "RAKE", two more options will appear in the bottom half of the screen under the text "RAKE" ("TAKE IT" and "DO NOTHING"). Once you've pressed Space to select "TAKE IT" the text "YOU TAKE THE RAKE" shall appear in the bottom half of the screen; you shall then have to search the first cupboard (finding a hose), and take the hose. You shall then have to corner a sixth male guest to reveal his name ("Andrew") and two possible options ("TIE HIM UP", and "DO NOTHING") - and once you've pressed Space to tie him up, the text "HA HA, FIREMAN BASTARD" (this is a reference to the S4C television series Fireman Sam, which premiered in English on BBC1 around the time this game was released and later gained a game in 1991) will appear in the bottom half of the screen, and the second E in the phrase COMPLETE-BASTARD will light up again.