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Pharmacy[edit]

The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.

Disease Cause Symptom Cure
Broken Wind Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal Upsetting the people directly behind the patient A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy
Chronic Nosehair Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy
Corrugated Ankles Driving over traffic calming measures in road Footwear does not fit snugly A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles
Discrete Itching Tiny insects with sharp teeth Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching
Gastric Ejections Spicy Mexican or Indian food Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected
Gut Rot Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture No cough but no stomach-wall lining either A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum
Heaped Piles Standing around by water coolers Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside
Invisibility Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability
Sleeping Illness Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse
The Squits Eating pizza found under the cooker Ugh. Surely you can guess A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards
Transparency Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease
Uncommon Cold Small particles of snot in the air Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this

Psychiatric[edit]

The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.

Disease Cause Symptom Cure
3rd Degree Sideburns Wistful longing for the 1970's Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish
Fake Blood Patient usually subject of practical joke Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem
Infectious Laughter Classic situation comedy Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is
King Complex The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks
Sweaty Palms Fear of job interviews Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease
TV Personalities Daytime television Delusions of being able to present a cookery show A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio

Clinics[edit]

Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.

Disease Cause Symptom Cure
Alien DNA Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly
Baldness Telling lies and making up stories to be popular Shiny-headedness and embarrassment Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine
Bloaty Head Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater Very uncomfortable for the sufferer The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine
Fractured Bones (requires 1 nurse to operate) Falling off high things onto concrete Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine
Hairyitis Prolonged exposure to the moon Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores
Jellyitis Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit
Serious Radiation Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly
Slack Tongue Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas Tongue swells to five times its original length The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully

Surgical[edit]

The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications.

Disease Cause Symptom Cure
Broken Heart Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath
Golf Stones Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls Delirium and advanced shame These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons
Iron Lungs Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre
Kidney Beans Crunching up ice cubes in drinks Pain and frequent trips to the toilet Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney
Ruptured Nodules Bungee jumping in cold weather Inability to sit down in comfort Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands
Spare Ribs Sitting on cold stone floors Unpleasant feeling of chestiness These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag
Unexpected Swelling Anything unexpected Swelling The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons