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Elmo Elmo
Whoop-whoop! The green markers always point to the nearest Loony phones where jobs may be found - just so long as you have the respect.

Hoo-hoo! We Loonies respect people who like killing Yakuza poops.

Green phones[edit]

RADIO ZA-ZA![edit]

North phone

Elmo Elmo
Hey, Jumbo, it's Elmo. A new Zaibatsu drug mixed with Futuro FM's music is sending people CRAZY. This is bad for our Loony reputation. Get some explosives and stop this madness NOW.

For the duration of this job, all pedestrians will punch you and even drag you from your car to do so if you get too close.

Elmo Elmo
The Zaibatsu are expecting you, Jumbo, so avoid the main gates. Find a back door and dump the explosives by the generator.
Elmo Elmo
Cool, you got the explosives. It's a RIOT at Futuro FM, pay them a visit Jumbo and crisp the DJ.
Elmo Elmo
Shift ass, Jumbo. You got FIVE seconds till she blows!
Elmo Elmo
Drug-induced madness was a cheap corporate cash-in but you saw through it, Jumbo. Here's $20,000. Let's get wasted!

PIZZA CAKE![edit]

South phone

Elmo Elmo
Jumbo! It's me, Elmo. Pizza Cake restaurants keep screwing up my favorite food. Go to the City University, pick up some explosives and teach them a new recipe.

Go to the city university. Enter it from the north but don't take the stairs (if you do, you'll end at token 48). Instead, go along the path to the south and take the explosives. Go out and to the southwest, following the marker.

Elmo Elmo
You got FIVE seconds before the dynamite blows. RUN!
Elmo Elmo
So much for those shitty explosives. Wait! A Pizza Cake Delivery Truck is on its way. Destroy that instead.

Destroy the Van with whatever means you have at your disposal: even the S-Uzi Machine Gun you should have picked up by the green phones will do the job. Ideally, wait until the Van has stopped at traffic lights, or park a car in front of it.

Elmo Elmo
You follow bad plans well, Jumbo. Have a deep-fried Pizza Cake and $20,000 to celebrate.

Yellow phones[edit]

WHO'S MAD?[edit]

West phone

Elmo Elmo
Hey, Jumbo! You should meet Cosmo Trouble, Downtown. He's got a bonkers mad job for you!
Elmo Elmo
Jumbo, it's me, Elmo. That call was a hoax. Your ass has been set up by my bonkers mad brother who's sent three serious hitmen after you. You'd better kill them - quick!
Elmo Elmo
Nicely done, Jumbo! You NAILED his bitch ass.
Elmo Elmo
Maybe you ain't so crazy, Jumbo, 'cos those hitmen are all history. Here's $40,000.

DESTROY J-LAB![edit]

East phone

Elmo Elmo
Yo, Jumbo, it's Elmo. New Yakuza drugs are making the insane sane - which is bad news for us Loonies. Pick up explosives from the University and use them to wreak havoc at J-Lab.
Elmo Elmo
Take out the short-ass Yakuza guard and plant explosives in his place. FAST!
Yakuza Yakuza
No-one trespasses in J-Lab!
Yakuza Yakuza
You will die in J-Lab, Loony!
Elmo Elmo
Cool shootin', Jumbo! Plant the explosives in his place.
Elmo Elmo
Climb the stairs and watch the fun, Jumbo. J-Lab is about to close permanently!
Elmo Elmo
Oh yes, baby, watch it blow! Flaming narcotics are my favorite firework.
Elmo Elmo
The J-Lab is history and the Loonies are safe in insanity. You are one real cool cat, Jumbo. Maybe we do business some other day. For now, here's $40,000.

After the mission, you can fill up your rocket launcher by following the way to two crates.

DIMENTIA TO GO![edit]

(sic) Previous phone

Elmo Elmo
Hey, Jumbo, it's Elmo here. The Cops have a new Dementia Limousine in their Car Compound and I want it BAD. Meet my friend Dodo at the University - he will help you.
Dodo Dodo
Hello, Elmo's special friend. I have arranged for a gun and some bombs to be left behind the Harman Hotel. I'd like to come but it's bath night.
Elmo Elmo
The guard outside the Cop Car Compound is too nice to die. Get some wheels and meet Lance - he will distract the Guard for $1,000 a pop.
Lance Lance
A thousand bucks! I'm all yours, big boy.
Elmo Elmo
Drop Lance outside the Cop Car Compound and leave the vehicle - Lance will need it.
Elmo Elmo
Get out of the vehicle, Jumbo, and wait to see if Lance does his stuff.
Elmo Elmo
Lance's filthy allure is working. Enter the Cop Car Compound and kill the other guard - I don't like him.

Beware, he may drive over you if you're in the way. When they're away, use nearby stairs to get inside.

Elmo Elmo
Ssh! Don't let the guard see you!
Elmo Elmo
Use your Molotov Cocktails to blow up the door locks.
Elmo Elmo
Take that Dementia Limousine and put your foot to the floor!
Elmo Elmo
Okay, Jumbo, get the Limousine back to the Asylum - real cool, yeah!
Elmo Elmo
Ooh, Jumbo! I just LOVE this new Dementia Limousine! Here's $40,000 for being so thoughtful.

Red phone[edit]

TAXI DRIVERS MUST DIE![edit]

Elmo Elmo
Hey, Jumbo, it's Elmo. The Taxis in this city won't give me a ride. I have chosen three of them for special attention. Go get the first Taxi.
Elmo Elmo
Now waste the Taxi Driver!
Elmo Elmo
Now take the Taxi to the South Docks Car Crusher and get it crushed.
Elmo Elmo
Get out of the Taxi and enjoy the Crusher Magic, Jumbo.
Elmo Elmo
Cool, Jumbo, but I still can't get a ride. We need to create some chaos so steal another Taxi.
Elmo Elmo
Shit, Jumbo, there's two of them! Oh well... Waste them both!
Elmo Elmo
This is FUN! Back to the South Docks Car Crusher, Jumbo.
Elmo Elmo
You know the score, Jumbo. Out of the Taxi - it's Crusher Time!
Elmo Elmo
Now I'm getting free rides, Jumbo. This is good. Let's mess up one last Taxi, just for fun.
Elmo Elmo
Shit, Jumbo, there's a whole gang of them in this Taxi. Kill them all!

Kill all five of the gang.

Elmo Elmo
Get that Taxi crushed, Jumbo - you know you want to.
Elmo Elmo
Get out of the Taxi so it can be sent to Taxi Heaven.
Elmo Elmo
Good work, Jumbo. Now I get Taxis superquick! I'm giving you $60,000 because I like you so much. Keep in touch!

GANG WAR A-GO-GO![edit]

Elmo Elmo
Hey, Jumbo! Elmo here. I'm bored so I'm starting a gang war. First, I want you to steal a Zaibatsu Z-Type and run down Johnny Zoo's three top Yakuza.
Elmo Elmo
Ooh, the Z-Type is cool, Jumbo. Now get hunting those Yakuza!
Elmo Elmo
Welcome to Yakuza Town, Jumbo! Happy hunting!
Elmo Elmo
Hey! Them bones, them bones, them broken bones!
Elmo Elmo
Hoo-hoo! I bet that hurts!
Elmo Elmo
I say! That's the style!
Elmo Elmo
Steal a Yakuza Miara and drive over to the Zaibatsu quarter - then run over Trey Welsh's top three Z-Lieutenants. Ha ha ha!
Elmo Elmo
Cool, Jumbo! Now it's off to the Zaibatsu quarter for some corporate killing.
Elmo Elmo
The air's clean - it can only be the Zaibatsu quarter. Gentlemen, start your killin'!
Elmo Elmo
Zaibatsu for lunch!
Elmo Elmo
Mmm, Zaibatsu for dinner!
Elmo Elmo
Nice, Jumbo! Stick with the Loonies - we always have the most fun. Here's $60,000 for you to play with.

Be warned: If you leave the car or a victim can flee, you have failed.

ALL LOONY JOBS DONE![edit]

Elmo Elmo
Hoo-hoo! You completed all the Loony jobs!