Stupid Invaders/The Dung Factory

Etno: My worries are over! Bolok: Worries? I'm gonna give you something to worry about! Gorgious: So did we find our little dissertation? It's not gonna take up a lot of room is it? Candy: AND WE'RE OFFFFFFF! Oohh BOY...I can't say I'm sad to be leaving that planet of male chauvinist pigs. Bud: Are we there yet? Stereo: The trip is going to last 2 years and 4 months... ...28 days, 3 hours and 4 seconds... Etno: Nothing can stop us now. This spaceship is built with the newest, most efficient UFO technology on the market. Candy: Wooooo! I don't like this, it sounds like an old washing machine! Gorgious: Yeah right the newest, most efficient UFO technology my left butt cheek! Etno: Holy mother of Zeebra! Just what I thought, the fuel mixture is unstable! Candy: What do you mean Etno? Etno: What I mean is that we need a fifth element to re-balance the fuel. With dung I'll be able to refuel the ship and we'll be airborne again. Candy: But where are we going to find cow crap at this hour Etno? Gorgious: I dunno Candy in your panties?! Candy: Hoooooo Gorgious? Bud: Yooooo... take a look dudes! Etno: Perfect, now I need volunteers to go out and collect some dung. Hmmmm let's see... Candy, Gorgious? Candy: No way, my nail polish isn't dry yet! Gorgious: And how about your undies, are they dry? C'mon, let's go! Candy: Hoooo, Brrrrrrr... this place is really spooky. Gorgious: Don't worry little girl you're safe with me. Caaaaaannnndy! My little Caaannnndy! Gone, snatched, right in the middle of puberty. Well, that's a shame Anyway where was I... oh yeah, on a mission.

Part 1 (Gorgious)

Once the cursor has reappeared on the screen you can make Gorgious take one of the baby chicks if you want; once he has picked him up, he shall say "Oooooh, I love little baby chickies...hooooo...served up with hot pig placenta yumm!", and all the other baby chicks will run away from him as the one he is holding explodes and blows him up, but it shall not result in a game-over. However, regardless of whether you made Gorgious do this or not, you shall now have to make him walk left twice to the front of the factory and down to the sewer access - but he cannot open it, so you'll have to try and make him walk back to the right, but as he is doing so an enormous chicken named "Chicken Zilla" will come stamping into view behind him and crow at the top of his lungs. You shall then have to make Gorgious try to take Chicken Zilla; he will again say "Mmmmmmmm I love little baby chickies hooooooo...served up with hot pig placenta yumm", but this time, he shall back away off the right side of the screen (Chicken Zilla shall then crow at the top of his lungs for a second time and explode as Gorgious watches through the window of a machine-gun post while wearing a pair of protective goggles). Once the blast has cleared, it will have blown the lid off the sewer access, so you will have to make Gorgious try to climb down into it - but as he is doing so, a sewage monster shall surface and spit Candy out in front of him (and when Gorgious says "little girl" and "ladies first?" to Candy, he is referring to his gayness).

Part 2 (Candy)

Gorgious: Candy, you think this is the right time to be fooling around?! Candy, ladies first? Candy: Oh Gorgious you're such a gentleman Gorgious: Say Candy, has any one ever told you that you have a nice bum? Wooooooo! All right, listen rat's ass we're gonna split up. I'm going to the left, you turn right. Candy: I'm the one who leans to the left! Gorgious: Well you have point there, I can't argue with that.

Once the cursor has reappeared on the screen, you shall have to make Candy walk down, then up off a ledge; after he has landed, he will say "It smells like crap! It is crap! Oh my jewel's there's crap everywhere!!!" (the apostrophe in "jewel's" is also accurate). You will then have to make him use the door twice (the first time, he shall knock on it six times, and the second time, he will wipe his feet on its doormat six times as it opens and he goes through it).

Part 3 (Gorgious)

Candy: Ooh, this is some kind of love nest! I wonder who lives here... Nelson: I think I can answer that! Hello there wild thing... I'm Nelson. And what's your name? So you like it here? This is my swinging batchelor pad and that over there is my bed and what you're gonna do sweetie is get on it, and you see over there, next to the bed, that's a video camera and I'm gonna film you while you're doing jumping jacks.

Once the cursor has reappeared on the screen, you will have to make Gorgious walk down and climb up the ladder (he will push a manhole cover to the left, and emerge inside the factory); once you've done so, you can make him take the tire if you want (and once he has done so, he will eat it). However, regardless of whether you made him do this or not, you shall then have to make him walk down and up into the elevator, and press the switch to make it go up (once it disappears off the top of the screen, the game cuts to a shot of Candy posing for Nelson, who says from behind his camera "This web site www.nakedkandy.com is gonna make me very rich.") - and once the game cuts back to Gorgious the elevator shall come up in a tower full of defecating cows, so you'll have to make him walk down across the bridge until he is outside it, and press the switch to make another elevator (which he is standing on) go up. Once this second elevator has come up, you shall have to make Gorgious walk to the right into the next room (which contains a pink, tied-up bulldog named Ricky), take the anvil, walk back to the second elevator, press the switch to make it go back down again, and walk to the left twice into a third elevator (which will go up automatically); once this third elevator has come up, you'll have to make Gorgious walk to the right across the footbridge into the next room and up a flight of stairs, take the ladle from the big pot, use said ladle on the big pot three times (each time, he'll take a ladleful of the big pot's contents and eat it), and take the big pot itself. You shall then have to make Gorgious walk up into the next room (which contains several dung sculptures), down, and up another flight of stairs - and once you have done so, you will have to open the inventory, use the big pot on Gorgious (he will wear it to protect himself as a machine gun comes down from the ceiling to open fire on him and a blunderbuss emerges from a trap door in the floor to do the same). He will now automatically take the big pot off and take the dung club, but a crazed hen will run into view from the right side of the screen:

Hey there? Have you lost your marbles? What the hell do you think you're doing? Crap! Put that down at once... Wooo...Who does he think he is? You think you're at home here? You're done with that? Crap! This ain't granny's house you know... Say...What the f...are you doing here? Crap! You've really got nerve dude!... Hey woooo, pinch me am I dreaming or what? Who is this guy anyway?!

You'll now have to open the inventory again, and use the dung club on the hen (Gorgious will hit her with it, killing her); once you have done so, you will have to make him walk back to the third elevator, press the switch to make it go back down again, walk back to the second elevator, press the switch to make it go back up again, and walk left, up a third flight of stairs, up, right and left as he comes up to a welder who's repairing the "Paste Bros." sign on the front of the factory. You will now have to open the inventory once again and use the dung club on the welder (Gorgious will tap him on the shoulder twice, say "60 million years...in one blow!", and hit him with it, killing him) - and you will then have to make Gorgious take the gas tank, walk back down to the room where Ricky is tied up, open the inventory yet again, and use the gas tank on Ricky (Gorgious will drop the tank on the floor, and Ricky will eat it, causing him to inflate and float into the air). You'll now have to make Gorgious walk to the right, take Ricky's kennel (you can also make him take his bowl if you want, as he will eat it like he did the tire), punch open the door and go through it to the next room; once you have done so, you will have to make him pick up the skateboard, walk to the right (he'll automatically jump over the large cable), open the inventory for a fifth time, and use Ricky's kennel on the front of the chest (Gorgious will place the kennel in front of the chest). You'll now have to click on Ricky's kennel to make Gorgious climb up it, take the winch, retrace the path back to the foot of the cows' tower, walk to the right, open the inventory for a sixth time and use the winch on the third cow (Gorgious shall say "Ok fattso, that's enough! I'm going to show you something amazing honey: your butthole is going to take me back to my planet. I'm going to need some of your hot dung baby!" and break out the winch) - and once you have done it, you will have to make Gorgious use the winch on the third cow twice more (the second time he shall hook its rope to her, and the third time he shall use it to pull her out of her porthole), open the inventory for a seventh time, use the skateboard on her (Gorgious will lift her up, put the board under her, then set her down on it), push her into a fourth elevator and walk into the fourth elevator for himself (which will go down automatically). Once the fourth elevator has come down, Gorgious will automatically push the cow out of it; you shall now have to make him push her three more times until he comes to a metal door, open it, push the cow through it, attach the hook to her (she will be lifted into the air) and pull the lever (the cow will be lowered down and Gorgious will jump onto her back).

Part 4 (Candy)

Once the cursor has reappeared on the screen you shall have to make Candy walk up (you can also make him turn on the radio if you want, as it will not wake the sleeping Nelson up); however, regardless of whether you'd made him turn the radio on or not, you'll now have to make him walk up through the curtains to Nelson's bathroom and to the right, open the drawer, and look inside it (he will find a razor blade and automatically take it). You will then have to make Candy take the bottle of body oil and walk back to Nelson's bedroom - and once you've done so you shall have to make him walk left, down and left again, and take the inflatable cushion. You'll then have to make Candy walk back down, open the inventory, and use the body oil on the door's hinge (he will pour the body oil onto the hinge); once you have done so, you shall have to make him open the door and go through it, walk to the left and down, open the inventory again, and use the inflatable cushion on the ground (he will place the cushion in front of himself). You shall then have to make Candy sit on the cushion, open the inventory once again, and use the razor blade on it (he shall burst the cushion with the razor blade and fly up through a hole into the factory's back room) - and at this point you shall have to insert the game's second disc to continue (unless, in the case of the Microsoft Windows and Mac OS versions, you had chosen to install the "full" version of it when you were running its Setup program, rather than just the "standard" version).

Part 5 (Candy, continued)

Once the cursor has reappeared on the screen, you will have to make Candy open the double doors, walk through them, walk to the right, and take the hose from the vacuum cleaner; once you have done so, you shall have to make him walk up through the doorway to the next room and up to the diving suit (he shall climb into it, walk back through the doorway, climb up a ladder to a water tank, sidestep over to another ladder, and climb down it into the tank). You shall then have to make Candy walk down, walk up to the yellow submarine, and climb up its ladder to enter it (he will jump out of the diving suit) - and once you have done so, you can make him press the button on the wall if you want (a periscope will come down and he will look through it). However, regardless of whether you'd made Candy push the button or not, you shall now have to make him walk to the left, look at the Fugu Fish in its bowl (it shall sing "Rut tout tuda tu, don't pee on the floor, use the comedore, LA LAAA LA LAAA." to him), and take the Fugu Fish (he will climb up the stepladder and drop into the bowl to take it, then climb back out of the bowl and down the stepladder again); once you've done so, you'll have to make Candy climb back into that diving suit, retrace the path back to where he found it (he'll climb back out of it again), walk to the right, open the inventory, and use the Fugu Fish on the fish pile (he shall place it on the pile and the sushi chef will eat it and die). You'll now have to make him walk to the right and take the bucket (you can also make him open the refrigerator here if you want, as it shall reveal the purple bear from the wardrobe in Bud's room, who will hit him over the head with his mallet four times) - but regardless of whether you made Candy open the refrigerator or not you will now have to make him walk back to the left, open the small cupboard (revealing a "Gaz" cylinder), open the inventory again, use the hose on the cylinder (he shall connect one end of the hose to the cylinder's nozzle and the other to a "Gaz" stove), and turn on the stove (a flame shall start burning on it). You then have to make Candy walk back to the right, press another button to open another pair of doors, walk through them into an elevator, look at the control panel, and press the button with the number 2 on it (the elevator's doors will close again as it ascends); once the elevator's doors have opened again, you shall have to make Candy walk to the left, down a flight of stairs and down and to the left along a red bridge (which will collapse behind him). You shall now have to make him walk down, up, to the right, up and right, and open a huge door (which will automatically go through) - and once you have done so, you will have to make him walk down and press the button on the back wall (the side walls will squash him flat and he will automatically slide back through the huge door). You'll now have to make Candy retrace the path back to the iron curtain and slide under it (as he could not do it before).

Once Candy has slid under that iron curtain, he'll return to his original shape; you'll then have to make him walk down two more flights of stairs, take a chili can, and walk back up the third flight of stairs and down two more flights of stairs through another elevator. Once you've done so, you will have to make Candy walk up, and open a second iron curtain (Gorgious and the cow, who is named Madame, are on the other side, and when Gorgious says Candy is "the best little wife a guy could have" in the following dialogue, he is for a second time referring to his gayness, like he often did in the show):

Gorgious: Psst, Candy! Not a second too soon... I've got a problem with this cow. Madame is constipated and I can't get an ounce of crap out of her! We're gonna need some good old fashioned chili con carne to help the lady along! Candy: HOOOO! Ohh I think I got what we need. I just happen to have some chili with me. Gorgious: Candy you're the best little wife a guy could have! Madame: Do you gentlemen expect me to eat cold chili? Gorgious: Way to go Candy! Now what are you gonna do, heat it up with your thighs? Candy: Well, we'll just have to find a way to heat up the chili!

Once Candy has walked back under the second iron curtain, you will have to make him walk back to the left twice and pull the lever (the redneck will get crushed by the tractor he was repairing); once you have done so, you can make Candy try to use the tractor if you want (he will jump onto its front wheel and say "I can't leave without the cow poopoo.", then jump off it again). But regardless of whether you made Candy do that or not, you shall now have to make him walk to the right, take the iron bar (he will remove it from the swinging doors and place it on the floor), and go through the swinging doors (you may also make him take the rotten fish if you want, but he does not need it) - and once you've done so, you will have to make Candy walk down, retrace the path back to the Gaz stove, open the inventory once again, and use the chili can on the Gaz stove (he will place the can on the stove, and when you make him take it again, it will be hot). You must now make Candy return to the second iron curtain and open it again (he'll feed the chili can to Madame):

Candy: We don't have a second to lose! Gorgious: C'mon baby, put your weight into it, give us the goods! Come on, bake a hot one for daddy! Madame: How uncivilised, I never do it on the ground!

You will now have to open the inventory yet again and use the bucket on Madame (Candy will hold out the bucket to her and place it on the skateboard):

Madame: A lady needs her privacy Ready? You can look now. Gorgious: I like what you've done with the place! Good job honey. Candy: Goodbye Madame. Etno: Excellent work Candy and Gorgious! Thanks to you we'll be able to get out of here. Bolok: Very well, and not a second too soon! As my father always said... Patience is a liability! Gorgious: Your father was full of crap. Bolok: C'mon get in the car Marge!!! Etno: Are you taking us hostage? Very interesting... Bolok: SHUT UP! We're almost there. Gorgious: The architect who designed this must have had a serious Oedipus complex! Dr. Sakarin: Greetings my frrriends. Zcienze vill need you. Velcome to ze Club Med of Death! Here ees ze programme for ze day. Ve are goink to take you to your bungalows ant you vill relax before ze fun begin... zen professor Igor vill use you for guinea piks! Igor: Da! Dr. Sakarin: Unt sanks to your brains ve vill haf access to ze UFO technology! Candy: Ohhhhh! Say Doctor... in your clinic do you perform... how can I put this... ah...operations to...ah...change one's sex?! Dr. Sakarin: Shut your mouze vin I talk to you you filty schwine! Boris, take avay zeeze creatures from outer space. Vat do you vant? Bolok: The other half... Dr. Sakarin: Ze ozer half? Ah ya...ya...right! Vat vas I sinking of? A job vell done deserfs payment... Igor, gif ze ozer half to Meister Bolok. Igor: Da! Candy: That Sakarine is really a swell guy! I must schedule an appointment for next Thursday. Gorgious: That Sakarine is really a slimeball! Next time I see him he's gonna regret the day he was hatched!