The Secret of Monkey Island/Sword-Fighting Insults

These are the correct responses to the insults you learn during the sword fights. The more fights you have, the more insults and responses you learn during the game - then it's just a matter of picking the correct response to each insult.

In the Secret of Monkey Island Special Edition, the Swordmaster will not use "I've got a long, sharp lesson for you to learn today." It is in the Ultimate Talkie Edition only when in "keep original text" mode.

Pirate insults

Insult	Reply
This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!	And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?
Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!	First you'd better stop waving it like a feather-duster.
My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!	So you got that job as janitor, after all.
People fall at my feet when they see me coming.	Even BEFORE they smell your breath?
I once owned a dog that was smarter then you.	He must have taught you everything you know.
You make me want to puke.	You make me think somebody already did.
Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.	You run THAT fast?
You fight like a dairy farmer.	How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!	I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.
Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?	Why, did you want to borrow one?
I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.	Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.
You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.	I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.
You have the manners of a beggar.	I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.
I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!	Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?
There are no words for how disgusting you are.	Yes, there are. You just never learned them.
I've spoken with apes more polite then you.	I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Sword Master insults

I've got a long, sharp lesson for you you to learn today.

And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?

My tongue is sharper then any sword.

First you’d better stop waving it like a feather-duster.

My name is feared in every dirty corner of this island!

So you got that job as janitor, after all.

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

My wisest enemies run away at the first sight of me!

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

Only once have I met such a coward!

He must have taught you everything you know.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

If your brother's like you, better to marry a pig.

You make me think somebody already did.

No one will ever catch ME fighting as badly as you do.

You run THAT fast?

I will milk every drop of blood from your body!

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

My last fight ended with my hands covered with blood.

I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

I hope you have a boat ready for a quick escape.

Why, did you want to borrow one?

My sword is famous all over the Caribbean!

Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

I've got the courage and skill of a master swordsman!

I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

Every word you say to me is stupid.

I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

You are a pain in the backside, sir!

Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

There are no clever moves that can help you now.

Yes, there are. You just never learned them.

Now I know what filth and stupidity really are.

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

I usually see people like you passed-out on tavern floors.

Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.