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Pharmacy
The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.
Disease |
Cause |
Symptom |
Cure
|
Broken Wind
|
Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal
|
Upsetting the people directly behind the patient
|
A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy
|
Chronic Nosehair
|
Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient
|
Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in
|
A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy
|
Corrugated Ankles
|
Driving over traffic calming measures in road
|
Footwear does not fit snugly
|
A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles
|
Discrete Itching
|
Tiny insects with sharp teeth
|
Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation
|
Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching
|
Gastric Ejections
|
Spicy Mexican or Indian food
|
Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters
|
Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected
|
Gut Rot
|
Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture
|
No cough but no stomach-wall lining either
|
A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum
|
Heaped Piles
|
Standing around by water coolers
|
Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles
|
A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside
|
Invisibility
|
Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant
|
Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families
|
A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability
|
Sleeping Illness
|
Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth
|
Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere
|
A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse
|
The Squits
|
Eating pizza found under the cooker
|
Ugh. Surely you can guess
|
A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards
|
Transparency
|
Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots
|
Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible
|
A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease
|
Uncommon Cold
|
Small particles of snot in the air
|
Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs
|
A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this
|
Psychiatric
The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.
Disease |
Cause |
Symptom |
Cure
|
3rd Degree Sideburns
|
Wistful longing for the 1970's
|
Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up
|
The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish
|
Fake Blood
|
Patient usually subject of practical joke
|
Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing
|
Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem
|
Infectious Laughter
|
Classic situation comedy
|
Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases
|
A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is
|
King Complex
|
The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over
|
Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers
|
A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks
|
Sweaty Palms
|
Fear of job interviews
|
Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge
|
A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease
|
TV Personalities
|
Daytime television
|
Delusions of being able to present a cookery show
|
A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio
|
Clinics
Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.
Disease |
Cause |
Symptom |
Cure
|
Alien DNA
|
Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood
|
Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities
|
The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly
|
Baldness
|
Telling lies and making up stories to be popular
|
Shiny-headedness and embarrassment
|
Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine
|
Bloaty Head
|
Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater
|
Very uncomfortable for the sufferer
|
The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine
|
Fractured Bones (requires 1 nurse to operate)
|
Falling off high things onto concrete
|
Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs
|
The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine
|
Hairyitis
|
Prolonged exposure to the moon
|
Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell
|
An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores
|
Jellyitis
|
Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise
|
Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot
|
The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit
|
Serious Radiation
|
Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum
|
Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell
|
The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly
|
Slack Tongue
|
Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas
|
Tongue swells to five times its original length
|
The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully
|
Surgical
The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications.
Disease |
Cause |
Symptom |
Cure
|
Broken Heart
|
Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient
|
Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos
|
Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath
|
Golf Stones
|
Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls
|
Delirium and advanced shame
|
These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons
|
Iron Lungs
|
Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains
|
Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater
|
Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre
|
Kidney Beans
|
Crunching up ice cubes in drinks
|
Pain and frequent trips to the toilet
|
Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney
|
Ruptured Nodules
|
Bungee jumping in cold weather
|
Inability to sit down in comfort
|
Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands
|
Spare Ribs
|
Sitting on cold stone floors
|
Unpleasant feeling of chestiness
|
These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag
|
Unexpected Swelling
|
Anything unexpected
|
Swelling
|
The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons
|