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!Disease||Cause||Symptom||Cure | !Disease||Cause||Symptom||Cure | ||
|- | |- | ||
!Alien | !Alien DickNiggaFuck | ||
|Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood | |Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood | ||
|Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities | |Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities | ||
|The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly | |The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly | ||
|- | |- | ||
! | !Baldpenis | ||
|Telling lies and making up stories to be popular | |Telling lies and making up stories to be popular | ||
|Shiny-headedness and embarrassment | |Shiny-headedness and embarrassment | ||
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|The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine | |The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine | ||
|- | |- | ||
! | !Hairytits | ||
|Prolonged exposure to the moon | |Prolonged exposure to the moon | ||
|Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell | |Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell | ||
|An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores | |An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores | ||
|- | |- | ||
! | !Jellytits | ||
|Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise | |Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise | ||
|Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot | |Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot | ||
|The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit | |The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit | ||
|- | |- | ||
!Serious | !Serious Rape | ||
|Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum | |Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum | ||
|Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell | |Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell | ||
|The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly | |The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly | ||
|- | |- | ||
!Slack | !Slack lickaTongue | ||
|Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas | |Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas | ||
|Tongue swells to five times its original length | |Tongue swells to five times its original length |
Revision as of 14:10, 17 May 2009
Pharmacy
The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Broken Wind | Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal | Upsetting the people directly behind the patient | A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy |
Chronic Bumhair | Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient | Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in | A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy |
Corrugated Anal | Driving over traffic calming measures in road | Footwear does not fit snugly | A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles |
Discrete Itching of the ball sack | Tiny insects with sharp teeth | Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation | Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching |
Gastric Ejaculations | Spicy Mexican or Indian food | Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters | Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected |
Gut Rot | Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture | No cough but no stomach-wall lining either | A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum |
Heaped Shit | Standing around by water coolers | Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles | A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside |
Invisibility | Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant | Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families | A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability |
Sleeping pillhead | Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth | Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere | A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse |
The Squits out of ur mum | Eating pizza found under the cooker | Ugh. Surely you can guess | A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards |
Transpenisy | Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots | Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible | A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease |
Uncommon Cum | Small particles of snot in the air | Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs | A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this |
Psychiatric
The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
3rd Degree the big fat fish catch it bitch | Wistful longing for the 1970S | Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up | The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish |
Fake Bumhole | Patient usually subject of practical joke | Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing | Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem |
Infectious Laughter | Classic situation comedy | Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases | A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is |
King Complex | The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over | Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers | A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks |
Sweaty Penis | Fear of job interviews | Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge | A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease |
TV Personalities | Daytime television | Delusions of being able to present a cookery show | A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio |
Clinics
Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Alien DickNiggaFuck | Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood | Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities | The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly |
Baldpenis | Telling lies and making up stories to be popular | Shiny-headedness and embarrassment | Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine |
Bloaty Head | Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater | Very uncomfortable for the sufferer | The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine |
Fractured Bones | Falling off high things onto concrete | Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs | The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine |
Hairytits | Prolonged exposure to the moon | Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell | An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores |
Jellytits | Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise | Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot | The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit |
Serious Rape | Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum | Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell | The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly |
Slack lickaTongue | Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas | Tongue swells to five times its original length | The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully |
Surgical
The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Broken Heart | Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient | Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos | Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath |
Golf Stones | Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls | Delirium and advanced shame | These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons |
Iron Lungs | Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains | Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater | Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre |
Kidney Beans | Crunching up ice cubes in drinks | Pain and frequent trips to the toilet | Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney |
Ruptured Nodules | Bungee jumping in cold weather | Inability to sit down in comfort | Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands |
Spare Ribs | Sitting on cold stone floors | Unpleasant feeling of chestiness | These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag |
Unexpected Swelling | Anything unexpected | Swelling | The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons |