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|Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots | |Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots | ||
|Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible | |Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible | ||
|A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease | |A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease. Strangely enough it's the most '''deadly''' disease in the pharmacy. | ||
|- | |- | ||
!Uncommon Cold | !Uncommon Cold | ||
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==Surgical== | ==Surgical== | ||
The [[Theme Hospital/Rooms#Operating Theater|Operating Theater]] requires two [[Theme Hospital/Staff#Doctor|Doctors]] with surgical qualifications. | The [[Theme Hospital/Rooms#Operating Theater|Operating Theater]] requires two [[Theme Hospital/Staff#Doctor|Doctors]] with surgical qualifications. A Ward is also required to prepare the patient for surgery. | ||
{| {{prettytable}} | {| {{prettytable}} | ||
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|Bungee jumping in cold weather | |Bungee jumping in cold weather | ||
|Inability to sit down in comfort | |Inability to sit down in comfort | ||
|Two qualified Surgeons must | |Two qualified Surgeons must remove the nodules using steady hands | ||
|- | |- | ||
!Spare Ribs | !Spare Ribs |
Latest revision as of 07:19, 3 April 2024
Pharmacy[edit]
The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Broken Wind | Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal | Upsetting the people directly behind the patient | A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy |
Chronic Nosehair | Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient | Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in | A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy |
Corrugated Ankles | Driving over traffic calming measures in road | Footwear does not fit snugly | A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles |
Discrete Itching | Tiny insects with sharp teeth | Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation | Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching |
Gastric Ejections | Spicy Mexican or Indian food | Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters | Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected |
Gut Rot | Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture | No cough but no stomach-wall lining either | A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum |
Heaped Piles | Standing around by water coolers | Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles | A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside |
Invisibility | Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant | Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families | A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability |
Sleeping Illness | Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth | Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere | A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse |
The Squits | Eating pizza found under the cooker | Ugh. Surely you can guess | A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards |
Transparency | Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots | Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible | A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease. Strangely enough it's the most deadly disease in the pharmacy. |
Uncommon Cold | Small particles of snot in the air | Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs | A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this |
Psychiatric[edit]
The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
3rd Degree Sideburns | Wistful longing for the 1970's | Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up | The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish |
Fake Blood | Patient usually subject of practical joke | Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing | Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem |
Infectious Laughter | Classic situation comedy | Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases | A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is |
King Complex | The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over | Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers | A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks |
Sweaty Palms | Fear of job interviews | Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge | A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease |
TV Personalities | Daytime television | Delusions of being able to present a cookery show | A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio |
Clinics[edit]
Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Alien DNA | Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood | Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities | The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly |
Baldness | Telling lies and making up stories to be popular | Shiny-headedness and embarrassment | Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine |
Bloaty Head | Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater | Very uncomfortable for the sufferer | The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine |
Fractured Bones (requires 1 nurse to operate) | Falling off high things onto concrete | Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs | The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine |
Hairyitis | Prolonged exposure to the moon | Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell | An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores |
Jellyitis | Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise | Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot | The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit |
Serious Radiation | Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum | Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell | The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly |
Slack Tongue | Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas | Tongue swells to five times its original length | The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully |
Surgical[edit]
The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications. A Ward is also required to prepare the patient for surgery.
Disease | Cause | Symptom | Cure |
---|---|---|---|
Broken Heart | Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient | Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos | Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath |
Golf Stones | Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls | Delirium and advanced shame | These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons |
Iron Lungs | Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains | Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater | Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre |
Kidney Beans | Crunching up ice cubes in drinks | Pain and frequent trips to the toilet | Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney |
Ruptured Nodules | Bungee jumping in cold weather | Inability to sit down in comfort | Two qualified Surgeons must remove the nodules using steady hands |
Spare Ribs | Sitting on cold stone floors | Unpleasant feeling of chestiness | These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag |
Unexpected Swelling | Anything unexpected | Swelling | The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons |