Theme Hospital/Diseases

Pharmacy

The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.

Broken Wind

• Cause: Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal
• Symptoms: Upsetting the people directly behind the patient
• Cure: A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy

Chronic Nosehair

• Cause: Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient
• Symptoms: Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in
• Cure: A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy

Corrugated Ankles

• Cause: Driving over traffic calming measures in road
• Symptoms: Footwear does not fit snugly
• Cure: A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles

Discrete Itching

• Cause: Tiny insects with sharp teeth
• Symptoms: Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation
• Cure: Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching

Gastric Ejections

• Cause: Spicy Mexican or Indian food
• Symptoms: Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters
• Cure: Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected

Gut Rot

• Cause: Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture
• Symptoms: No cough but no stomach-wall lining either
• Cure: A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum

Heaped Piles

• Cause: Standing around by water coolers
• Symptoms: Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles
• Cure: A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside

Invisibility

• Cause: Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant
• Symptoms: Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families
• Cure: A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability

Sleeping Illness

• Cause: Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth
• Symptoms: Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere
• Cure: A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse

The Squits

• Cause: Eating pizza found under the cooker
• Symptoms: Ugh. Surely you can guess
• Cure: A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards

Transparency

• Cause: Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots
• Symptoms: Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible
• Cure: A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease

Uncommon Cold

• Cause: Small particles of snot in the air
• Symptoms: Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs
• Cure: A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this

Psychiatric

The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.

3rd Degree Sideburns

• Cause: Wistful longing for the 1970S
• Symptoms: Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up
• Cure: The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish

Fake Blood

• Cause: Patient usually subject of practical joke
• Symptoms: Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing
• Cure: Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem

Infectious Laughter

• Cause: Classic situation comedy
• Symptoms: Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases
• Cure: A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is

King Complex

• Cause: The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over
• Symptoms: Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers
• Cure: A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks

Sweaty Palms

• Cause: Fear of job interviews
• Symptoms: Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge
• Cure: A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease

TV Personalities

• Cause: Daytime television
• Symptoms: Delusions of being able to present a cookery show
• Cure: A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio

Clinics

Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.

Alien DNA

• Cause: Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood
• Symptoms: Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities
• Cure: The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly

Baldness

• Cause: Telling lies and making up stories to be popular
• Symptoms: Shiny-headedness and embarrassment
• Cure: Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine

Bloaty Head

• Cause: Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater
• Symptoms: Very uncomfortable for the sufferer
• Cure: The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine

Fractured Bones

• Cause: Falling off high things onto concrete
• Symptoms: Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs
• Cure: The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine

Hairyitis

• Cause: Prolonged exposure to the moon
• Symptoms: Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell
• Cure: An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores

Jellyitis

• Cause: Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise
• Symptoms: Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot
• Cure: The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit

Serious Radiation

• Cause: Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum
• Symptoms: Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell
• Cure: The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly

Slack Tongue

• Cause: Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas
• Symptoms: Tongue swells to five times its original length
• Cure: The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully

Surgical

The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications.

Broken Heart

• Cause: Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient
• Symptoms: Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos
• Cure: Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath

Golf Stones

• Cause: Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls
• Symptoms: Delirium and advanced shame
• Cure -These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons

Iron Lungs

• Cause: Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains
• Symptoms: Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater
• Cure: Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre

Kidney Beans

• Cause: Crunching up ice cubes in drinks
• Symptoms: Pain and frequent trips to the toilet
• Cure: Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney

Ruptured Nodules

• Cause: Bungee jumping in cold weather
• Symptoms: Inability to sit down in comfort
• Cure: Two qualified Surgeons must removed the nodules using steady hands

Spare Ribs

• Cause: Sitting on cold stone floors
• Symptoms: Unpleasant feeling of chestiness
• Cure: These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag

Unexpected Swelling

• Cause: Anything unexpected
• Symptom: Swelling
• Cure: The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons