Theme Hospital/Diseases

Pharmacy

The Pharmacy requires one Nurse.

Disease	Cause	Symptom	Cure
Broken Wind	Using a gymnasium treadmill after a meal	Upsetting the people directly behind the patient	A heavy mixture of special watery atoms is drunk rapidly in the Pharmacy
Chronic Nosehair	Sniffing disdainfully at those worse off than the patient	Nosebeard a badger could make a nest in	A disgusting hair-removal potion is taken orally, prepared by a Nurse in the Pharmacy
Corrugated Ankles	Driving over traffic calming measures in road	Footwear does not fit snugly	A slightly toxic blend of herbs and spices is drunk to straighten out the ankles
Discrete Itching	Tiny insects with sharp teeth	Scratching, leading to body-part inflammation	Patient drinks a pharmaceutical gluey syrup to prevent the skin from itching
Gastric Ejections	Spicy Mexican or Indian food	Half-digested food is emitted from the patient in random clusters	Drinking a special binding solution prevents anything being ejected
Gut Rot	Mrs. O'Malley's Good Time Whisky Cough Mixture	No cough but no stomach-wall lining either	A Nurse can administer a selection of dissolved chemicals to coat the tum
Heaped Piles	Standing around by water coolers	Patient feels like he/she is sitting on a bag of marbles	A pleasant, yet powerfully acidic drink dissolves the piles from the inside
Invisibility	Being bitten by a radioactive (and invisible) ant	Patients suffer no discomfort. Indeed, many use the condition to play practical jokes on their families	A colourful liquid drunk in the Pharmacy soon restores the patient to full observability
Sleeping Illness	Overactive sleep gland in the roof of the mouth	Overwhelming desire to crash out everywhere	A high dosage of powerful stimulant is administered by a Nurse
The Squits	Eating pizza found under the cooker	Ugh. Surely you can guess	A glutinous mix of stringy pharmaceutical chemicals solidify the patients innards
Transparency	Licking the yogurt from the foil tops of opened pots	Flesh is rendered see-through and horrible	A Pharmacy drink of specially cooled and coloured water cures this disease. Strangely enough it's the most deadly disease in the pharmacy.
Uncommon Cold	Small particles of snot in the air	Runny nose, sneezing and discoloured lungs	A big swig of uncommon cough medicine made from special ingredients in the Pharmacy will cure this

Psychiatric

The Psychiatric room requires a Doctor with a Psychiatric qualification.

Disease	Cause	Symptom	Cure
3rd Degree Sideburns	Wistful longing for the 1970's	Big hair, flares, platforms and glitter make-up	The Psychiatry staff must, using up-to-date techniques, convince the patient that these hairy accoutrements are rubbish
Fake Blood	Patient usually subject of practical joke	Red fluid in veins which evaporates on contact with clothing	Psychiatric calming is the only way to deal with this problem
Infectious Laughter	Classic situation comedy	Helpless chortling and repetition of unfunny catchphrases	A qualified Psychiatrist must remind the patient how serious this condition is
King Complex	The spirit of the King entering the patient's mind and taking over	Donning of colourful suede footwear and eating cheeseburgers	A Psychiatrist tells the patient how ridiculous he or she looks
Sweaty Palms	Fear of job interviews	Handshakes with patient are like grabbing a recently submerged sponge	A Psychiatrist must talk the patient out of this made-up disease
TV Personalities	Daytime television	Delusions of being able to present a cookery show	A trained Psychiatrist must convince the patient to sell their TV and buy a radio

Clinics

Clinics require one Doctor, and have machines which require maintenance by a Handyman.

Disease	Cause	Symptom	Cure
Alien DNA	Face huggers equipped with intelligent alien blood	Gradual alien metamorphosis and desire to destroy our cities	The DNA is mechanically removed, cleaned of alien elements and replaced quickly
Baldness	Telling lies and making up stories to be popular	Shiny-headedness and embarrassment	Hair is seamlessly melded onto the patient's head using a painful machine
Bloaty Head	Sniffing cheese and drinking unpurified rainwater	Very uncomfortable for the sufferer	The swollen head is popped, then reinflated to the correct PSI using a clever machine
Fractured Bones (requires 1 nurse to operate)	Falling off high things onto concrete	Loud crack and inability to use afflicted limbs	The cast is set then removed using a laser-driven removing machine
Hairyitis	Prolonged exposure to the moon	Sufferers experience enhanced sense of smell	An electrolysis machine removes the hair and seals up the pores
Jellyitis	Gelatin-rich diet and too much exercise	Excessive wobbliness and falling down a lot	The patient is immersed in the Jelly Vat in a special room for a bit
Serious Radiation	Mistaking plutonium isotopes for chewing gum	Patients with this condition feel very, very unwell	The patient must be placed in a Decontamination Shower and cleansed properly
Slack Tongue	Chronic overdiscussion of soap operas	Tongue swells to five times its original length	The tongue is placed in the Slicer Machine, and removed quickly, efficiently and painfully

Surgical

The Operating Theater requires two Doctors with surgical qualifications. A Ward is also required to prepare the patient for surgery.

Disease	Cause	Symptom	Cure
Broken Heart	Someone richer, younger and thinner than the patient	Weeping and RSI caused by hours of tearing up holiday photos	Two Surgeons open the chest and gently mend the heart whilst holding their breath
Golf Stones	Exposure to poison gas inside golf-balls	Delirium and advanced shame	These must be removed by an operation requiring two Surgeons
Iron Lungs	Inner-city smog mixed with kebab remains	Ability to breathe fire and shout loudly underwater	Two Surgeons operate to remove the cast solid lungs in the Theatre
Kidney Beans	Crunching up ice cubes in drinks	Pain and frequent trips to the toilet	Two Surgeons must remove the beans without touching the sides of the kidney
Ruptured Nodules	Bungee jumping in cold weather	Inability to sit down in comfort	Two qualified Surgeons must remove the nodules using steady hands
Spare Ribs	Sitting on cold stone floors	Unpleasant feeling of chestiness	These must be taken out by two Surgeons, and given to the patient in a doggy bag
Unexpected Swelling	Anything unexpected	Swelling	The swelling can only be reduced by lancing during an operation requiring two Surgeons